will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

coming clean

i have spoken of my issues with addictions in the past, so much so that i won't go overboard in this post with the self-linky-love. you could, however, do a search on this blog and discover my past threads if you are even remotely interested in what i have said in the past. (oh, and why wouldn't you be??)

what i have now done, and believe me when i tell you it did not come from me, was made the decision to stop drinking alcohol and start attending AA meetings. i had a few incidents that surrounded my drinking over the past few months (years??) that while they may be blog-worthy reading, are beyond anything even i am desirous of sharing with God, let alone my precious few readers, here.

by the way ---> today is Day 10 of sobriety :)

meanwhile, the blog i began to discuss at length for my paxil withdrawals has now morphed into my journey with AA. i am sharing this information with you here so (a) you know where i am if i have not been keeping up with m2, and (b) if you want to read what i have been experiencing, you are welcomed to do so. i have been pretty much an open book and honest with everyone but myself and it is time to put that to an end and come clean.

peace.

adversity

my first thought was this demotivational poster:



from despair.com, h/t julie d.

but i didn't think it was appropriate because i have not hit that particular wall.

just yet.

mom is doing great. as in really great, like she may be released from rehab friday because she is "too independent." praise God.

now for something you don't know - remember when i had the CT scan? when i went to the follow-up visit with my new doc, the report showed nodules on my kidneys and my thyroid. i found to today that the nodules on my kidneys were cysts (what does that mean?) but the nodule on my thyroid was really two nodules and one was "significant in size." with my lymph nodes in my neck still swollen and having this *issue*, it is time to seen an endocrinologist because it may be "significant."

well, now.

i told a friend recently that i am so tired of asking for prayer. i feel needy and angsty. i hate feeling like that; i guess i am as independent as my mother because i feel this way.

but if you feel so inclined, (to pray) have at it :)