will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

"You're gonna get your feelings back....and you're gonna hate it....and you're gonna love it."

Deb T., AA

thoughts from my 2nd meeting (90 in 90)

am desirous of finding a *home group* and felt very comfortable with the folks i met with last night. i told them of my turning my house upside down, looking for my 24-hour chip, and they graciously and gladly gave me another --> this time, i got a hug :) so much warmth.

about mid-way through our meeting, a late-comer arrived and sat next to me. when she settled in, i passed her my pamphlet i am using to collect phone numbers and she jotted quickly her name and number and passed it back. we chatted during the break and we apparently have a lot in common (how is that? how could i not have known or felt this for the years prior to now that i was an addict when it came to this, as well?) and by the end of the night, she had added the words "please call me any time..." next to her name and when we hugged (a very huggy bunch) i asked her how long she had been sober (thinking: sponsor) and she said, "only a short while."

earliert in the meeting, it was discussed how you should be careful who you hang with, especially if you are in a situation where there could be *trouble*, i.e., out to dinner and both being in a weakened state and in danger of compromising your sobriety. hearing her say "only a short while," i responded with a "i guess we shouldn't go to a local tavern for dinner, then..."

we both laughed. i am hopeful i will see her again because i liked her spirit.

the quest for a sponsor continues. am i wrong in thinking i need someone with a lot of time under their "belt?"

(blogging on the fly...be back later to check in.)

pencil drawing, colorized on computer
by gregvan

+~+~+

i walked in and immediately, a woman with a warm smile and had me sit with "me and the girls." i must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

a booklet with meeting dates and times was passed around and all ladies in attendance added their phone numbers to the back, in case i should wish to call them. in fact, the Open Arms Lady said i should call at least two of them this week, just to check in.

i sat and listened. i went in thinking maybe i didn't *need* to be there, that i am not *that* bad...the self-doubting, the devil whispering into my ear anything that would make me turn the car around and go home. prior to getting out of my car and walking toward the church and into the meeting, i said a quick arrow prayer: "God if i am to be here, keep it simple. let me know under no uncertain terms that this is for me."

i got out, walked toward the glow of the open doors and went in. that was when i was met by Open Arms.

it was a step meeting. there was *usual* business discussed and the first step was recited from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (which Open Arms lady purchased for me and gave to me as a gift before i left). they went around the room, each member reading a paragraph from the first step - 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

powerless?
unmanageable?

wow. as i sat and listened as they read aloud, the second to the last paragraph struck a chord in me:

Why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely tried to practice the AA program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing AA's remaining eleven steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking....Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done?...No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.

and there it was. my *sign* -- i may not have hit rock bottom -- but i find i am pulling myself up before i do and it is my desire to never pick up a drink again. i cannot believe this is coming out of me as i always said if i couldn't drink wine ever again, i did not know what i would do with myself. and yet, i mean it. i mean it for at least today, even though Open Arms suggested i attend 90 meetings in 90 days. a jump-start, if you will. and true to her warmth, she hugged me good-bye and said "keep coming back."

so many things that were cliches to me are now going to come to life. i rushed through the house and grabbed the first journal i could find and took it with me last night, but sat with it on my lap and simply listened. when i came home, that is when it poured out of me - all the thoughts, words. when i closed the book itself, i noticed what was imprinted on the front:

Nothing is worth more than this day -- Goethe

how true.

stepping off.

i made a telephone call today and go to my first meeting tonight, which is "open" and a "step meeting."

the lady i spoke with on the phone sounded really nice and supportive; thank God she was because i could not imagine calling the number i called and getting someone without an ounce of desire to be on the other end of the phone. she is probably a godsend to many, i know she was to me. so much so that she gave me her home telephone number and said i could call her, any time.

i am stepping out of my comfort zone tonight at about 6:45 p.m. i am going to obtain information and will sit and listen and from what "debbie" said today, get my first "chip."

i just want to get well.

milestone for today: i was given a gift of a bottle of chardonnay. one of my favorites. and when the *benefactor* left the building, i turned and gave it to my co-worker. it was painful, but i cannot have it in my home.

there ya go.

how brilliant would it all be if i could get to a place where i would never have to take anything for anxiety or depression again? but i am digressing or projecting (one or the other). just for today, i want to be well. i want to know why i am prone to gravitating toward that which is so freaking pleasurable at first, but then can slowly, chronically, and progressively be out to get me for good.

so much for my anonymity here -- will keep y'all posted.