am trying to process through something i just read online that was really disturbing to me. i thought i had a good handle on things 'round here, but when the words pop off the page and bullet into your heart, it's stark: there was no handle.
it isn't the use of slang or foul language. i am savvy enough to read between the lines and am sad to learn my boy's been hurting.
how could i miss the signs? so intuitive, i think i am. and yet, i have someone in my own home that has been struggling for a long time.
[this hasn't been the first time.]
paradigm shift.
second surgery
my dear friend erin asked in my prior comments box for an update...here we go...
last monday, i had a "ductal excision" of my left breast, which results came back benign, thank God. i had an episode of bleeding on wednesday, so i had the treat of seeing my surgeon mid-week, but it was a "hematoma that evacuated itself." God, i see how you are in charge, because had it not and had it not been reabsorbed by my body, i'd have seen her sooner behind a surgical mask.
today, i have my right breast ductal excision. the healing on the left side has been uncomfortable, to say the least, but i've tried to not complain and to offer whatever pain i've had to those whose results have been less fortunate.
it's Thanksgiving week, and yesterday i had the pleasure of a wonderful prelude to my favorite holiday. i spent time at my brother-in-law's with family i haven't visited with for over two years, but which extended family i absolutely adore. the matriarch of this family is a breast cancer survivor - flanked by her, and my mother-in-law who is also a survivor - i felt as though i was in blessed company. it was a wonderful afternoon that helped my mind focus on babies and kids running around and getting caught up with cousins and sisters-in-law and 10 conversations at once at the dinner table, and it was wonderful. honestly, i couldn't think of a better place to be, eating-wise, the day before i am set to fast.
so there you have it - day #2, am showered and ready, and i head to the surgery center at 1:15 this afternoon. prayers, as always, are coveted.
hope all are well.
awareness
(lengthy and descriptive. you've been cautioned)
i went in for my annual mammogram screening on wednesday. i always like to look at the pictures, because quite frankly, it's as close to being a porn star as i'd like to get.
the tech was explaining density, et cetera, when i pointed to something and asked, "what's that?" she said "i don't know - i'm just a tech."
i was "just a tech" once, remember? when i saw d-cels on a monitor, or hear the heart rate of the baby drop when mama was laboring, i was asked the same question - what's that?? i would respond in kind, "i don't know, i'm just a tech"
she told me to sit in the waiting area while the radiologist read my report -- not the dressing room, where i am usually sent -- the waiting area. these little nuances are not lost on me.
she came back about 10 minutes later and said "they'd like to do an ultrasound of your left breast." i replied "ok," and sat and looked at my Real Simple magazine and thought "this is so not that simple," and waited for the ultrasound tech to come and fetch me up.
it took about an hour - i have multiple cysts (fibrocystic) and the tech lost count after five. she questioned my other situation - i am "leaking" - and stopped in the middle of the exam and took her glasses off to look at me.
"how long has that been going on?"
"about 2 years."
"have you SEEN ANYBODY FOR IT??"
"uh, no..." was my feeble reply.
this gave her fodder for a 10-minute lecture, which i had to endure because i was held captive by the ultrasound probe. nice.
after she was finished up, i was told the radiologist was convinced they were just cysts and i could come back next year for my next mammogram. i was almost out the door when she said, "but you need to seek out a breast specialist for your other issue," and gave me the card of the doctor she recommended.
i called on my way back to work, explained to the receptionist what my issue was and after putting me on hold for close to an eternity (five minutes), she came back on - "dr. brown can see you tomorrow at 1:30." i said "can we make it next week? i am running late getting back to work, and --" she cut me off. "you need to keep this appointment."
i countered with "but my referrals take 48 hours --" cut me off again. "i'll make a phone call to your primary care doctor, that won't be a problem. we'll see you at 1:30 tomorrow."
head spinning just a tad, i told my boss what was going on when i finally got to the office at 11 a.m. (my appt. was 8:30 a.m.) he was great and supportive and basically told me to do what ever was necessary.
i arrived for my appointment, my husband nervously waiting in the lobby area, and after filling out forms, was taken back to meet my new doctor, who i liked immediately. she was warm and professional, and after one of the most thorough breast exams i have ever encountered since my first (albeity fumbly) one shortly after puberty hit, she did another ultrasound. she explained my cystic condition - you have MANY and not simply in your left breast - but also talked to me frankly about certain breast cancers not showing up on mammos or ultrasounds, primarily in the lobes or the ducts. since i've had this 16 years post-breastfeeding issue for some time, she said that causes her great concern and after biopsying one of my cysts (as i watched on ultrasound), she went on to explain that i needed to have two separate procedures, one breast at a time. we talked a bit about ductal carcinoma and i told her i would like to discuss it more fully if the cart is after the horse, and she agreed.
"it's a duct excision," and she went on to explain the procedure in great detail...where she is cutting, how long it takes, stitches, biopsy of tissue and duct, sedation, out-patient surgery, ice packs, support bra...and i said "how soon?" "as soon as they can get you in."
my left excision is scheduled for november 16th and right, november 23rd. i am unable to lift anything over 5 pounds for one week, which doesn't bode well for me making Thanksgiving dinner. we will go over the results of both procedures the following week when i revisit her office, and we will discuss treatment and options, if necessary, at that time.
she is taking it very seriously and while i can say i feel as though my bell has been rung at times, i know that God's got this, no matter what the outcome.
it is amazing to me how the tools of my AA program have stepped up to bat immediately - called and spoke with my sponsor, have been in regular touch with other people of the program, am able to recognize where my fear is coming from (afraid of losing something that i've had...am quite attached to the *girls*...) and i ask myself, "am i trusting God"? yes. "am i doing the 'next right thing'?" yes. am i "not following direction?" no, i am following direction and being proactive in my care. my checklist is in good standing, thus far.
i am a bit afraid, nonetheless, because of the uncertainty of the outcome, and the procedure is 10 days away. however, i know God will help me use this time wisely and by the 16th, i'll have my game face on and be ready for what God has in store.
(that certainly doesn't mean i don't need my friends to pray for me, however - i am not so arrogant to think i do not. i need all the help i can get!)
O God, come to my assistance
(O Lord, make haste to help me)
ladies: if you haven't had a mammogram or can't remember the last time you did, you are well overdue. monthly breast exams in the shower are necessary and your annual visit to the "cookie doctor" (my friend joan's phrase, you gotta love her!) is also a very needful thing. please do this for yourself, your family, and your loved ones.
neurosis
The neurotic doesn't know how to cope with his emotional bills; some he keeps paying over and over, others he never pays at all. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
~*~*~
ahhhh....the proverbial emotional rollercoaster. there are times over the past what, 7 weeks? that i have awoken with what would be likened to an emotional hangover.
i have a great deal of rhetoric that plays like an endlessly-looped tape in my head: if i want a different result, i must take a different action. think think think. you can't stop (fill in the blank) when you are still (filling in the blank)...i am sure you, my friends, could add more.
so.
very.
easy.
(not.
for.
me.)
so i am frozen, yet still seeking God (even though i continue to act in a behavior that i KNOW separates me from Him), and am hopeful for the day to arrive that sets me aright, that eases my pain of separation, and allows me to begin trudging forward, once again, with purpose.
until then, i will continue to remain a bit pensive, but will attempt to be less introverted.
in the meantime, i have missed my bloggy pals. for kicks, please - in the comments box - give me your definition of "sin" and what you do to dislodge yourself from same.
(oh, come on -- a few weeks away, i had to shake y'all up, just a little bit :)
Splayed Bananas
Shelby Prindaville
there are things going on in my world that are too serious or too painful (personally) to blog about. i've been on a bit of an hiatus and things have been quiet here for those very reasons.
i believe there are times for quiet, and then i think one day i will be REALLY honest and surprise the hell out of everyone. however, my family reads this and some of my friends who are a bit more than acquaintances and i don't wish to shock anyone into sense.
honesty is good. there are things, as they say in the rooms, that you dump on your sponsor and don't share in an open public forum. even the best-intentioned folks can have loose lips, so it is best that i remain silent.
molly is well. my family is doing well (for the most part). what a wonderful space we are apparently in, but there is so much beneath the surface. if you like neat and tidy, i suppose this is my paragraph for it.
one day i may be totally honest and break my world wide open. however, it wouldn't simply be "my" world that would have its innards splayed out for the world to see. that is precisely why i err on the side of caution.
(oh, what a fearsome day that would be.)
treading water
i have a bit of anxiety. you see, molly's been complaining of back pain. on an almost daily basis.
i called her surgeon's office last and spoke with one of his PA's (Theresa, a love), and she said it could simply be from healing.
i am trying to trust in God. trust trust trust. hand it over to Him, take it back, hand it back, when i give in to thinking about the implications of said pain. i truly am trying not to "go there," but even molly is making wincing faces when i ask how she's feeling. :: dang ::
just throwing it out there (throwing it up here?) i feel the panic wanting to show itself alive and thriving in the back of my throat. i want the panic to go away, i want her to feel better, i want this to be over.
our next visit is on monday. i am treading water to keep from sinking...i'm not one for leaning.
live on.
"this too shall pass" is an often-heard phrase in our meetings. although i didn't "pick up" every time i had an issue, i can recall having a rough day and going straight from "honey, i'm home," right to the fridge and to pull the wine out to the counter to bring it up to room temp before i even sat down at the dinner table.
when you struggle with *issues* (oh, don't act as if you don't), when you don't have that outlet to ease things a bit, you have to sit with the feelings. i hate my feelings and i love my feelings. i have felt the highest highs one can feel while sober and the lowest lows. i have wonderful friends who i turn to now that help me when i desire nothing more than to isolate; i force myself to attend events i would rather not because i "must," but afterward, am glad i did.
i have been reading wonderful books that have helped my spirits lift immensely - i read a wide range of spiritual books because when i am in the deepest of lows, i find there are certain thoughts and meditations that help me step out of myself...i mostly like to read books where i am reminded i am loved. (is that not crazy? do people not exhibit how loved i am all the time?) in my defense: we all need reminders and i am no exception.
i just finished reading a little classic (i think so, anyway) that is entitled The Greatest Thing in the World, by Henry Drummond. i believe it was penned in 1884 and it speaks on 1 Corinthians. wonderful, wonderful little nugget of a book, breezed through it in a day, am now going back with my highlighter and pen to *own* it. i would highly recommend it to anyone, anywhere, who would like a gentle reminder of how it is meant to be vs. how it appears to be at the present time.
this book helped immensely to bring me up and out of myself. it was a gift from a friend who is kind and generous and shows me love on many levels. it was given to me because he thought i would *get* it, but what he didn't know is how dearly and desparately i needed it to show me the gentler way, to guide me out of my deepest dark, to enable me to take a fresher view on those things that matter most when i couldn't see through my cobwebs and the darkness of where i was. it was a tiny flashlight into my [now enlarged] heart.
and it's all about love.
[love is all you need]
(what are you waiting for? go get a copy!)
"There is no other reason why we should live on
than that we love and are beloved."
~Henry Drummond
Dysthimia
i think i have functional depression. i just googled it. i didn't know if it was a "real" thing or not, but i swear, this is me:
Others present with what is called dysthimia, functional depression, wherein the person is able to go through the motions of their day, but with complete apathy. Some people with dysthimia can function this way for years with their depression going undetected. Dysthimia is especially hard for a woman, who is expected socially to hold up the fort emotionally during times of stress, these women typically have problems with confidence, sex, and motivation.
get OUT!! there is a term for it??? i will tell you this: i would so not leave my house if i didn't absolutely HAVE TO. that is where i am. i feel as if i am going through the motions of my day, peppered with interactions and necessary communications (and yes, some bouts of that fleeting thing called *joy*) but if i had my choice, i would keep the blinds drawn, jammies on, coffee brewing, candles lit. if i didn't have to talk, i may not (although i would most assuredly write). if i didn't have to move, i don't think i would.
i go to work. i go to meetings. (many meetings as my daughter informed me last night). i take care of my family as best i can. i try and work my 12-step program and do step work with my reluctant sponsees, of whom i have not brought one to a completion of step 12 prior to picking up. my success rate is not so hot.
[maybe that is a contributing factor?]
The good news is that once dysthimia is diagnosed, often times a very low dose of anti-depressant is required for treatment. This, along with regular exercise, relationship, marriage and/or group therapy can have an amazing and profound life changing effect. Some people even report good results with hypnosis or special audio or video programs with subliminals in the background.
that being said, i already see a therapist and am already on a low dose of an anti-depressant. the group therapy i believe is covered with my attendance at my AA meetings, but hypnosis or audios or vids with subliminals in the background?
[is that what i have brought myself to?]
holy days of obligation
washing feet - jarrod justice
~+~+~
i have been back to work since friday, last. worked a bit on saturday. wake up, clean up whatever left-overs from the day before need to be put into their places, and get ready to give moll her first dose of cefepime at 7am, which requires cleaning the area i will be using with anti-bacterial wipes, obtaining her med out of the fridge and the attendant saline and heparin flushes, alcohol wipes, paper towels, hand sanitizer, prayer.
then i go in and awake the princess. she has been an amazingly good sport.
digression: yesterday she started with a low-grade temp after having had a slight cough x two days. normally, i would ignore those symptoms and let the virus *run its course*; however, she was with her pediatrician at 4:45pm [after having spoken to the infectious disease people at duPont] and was given an inhaler and strict instructions as to what to do if things haven't cleared by friday. /digression
i have been making my AA meetings, which have been a tremendous help. i have been enjoying a book my friend Iz gave me called "Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics" (please sibs - don't get upset at the title...good stuff inside!) and have been tapping into God like i never have before.
what has been remarkable to me is that when i go through a something i consider to be of crisis proportions, i oftentimes lapse into the "why me"s. (i did ask when i was in the hospital why it took so long to manifest itself after the surgery, but that is a different question altogether.) my life is now filled to overflowing with commitments to others - i am truly happiest when i am helping someone else out. if you suffer from a scinitilla of the amount of selfishness as i do, i can assure you the quickest way out of your self is by helping someone else...this time is no different.
i have my family commitments, my work and my AA commitments. i consider everything i do now as being done as a somewhat of a helper to God. [i know, right?] they are responsibilities i am all too happy to shoulder. i am hoping i can stay in this frame of mind because i have been more content than i can recall for the longest time...i do get frustrated, don't get me wrong. i have a magnet on my fridge that reminds us that our "work is worship."
my life, at this moment, is filled with nothing less than holy days of obligation.
Moreover they are to abstain from those works and affairs
which hinder the worship to be rendered to God,
the joy proper to the Lord’s day...
home.
we arrived home late wednesday night. my dog hope was overjoyed to see me; the cats, not so much.
yesterday - molly's 16th birthday - was spent cleaning. i cannot believe how dirt is utterly apparent now....germs, which are a sweeter way of saying BACTERIA....are on my last nerve already. got out the mega container of antibacterial wipes and had my way with those germs.
the home health care supply guy was here early, went over the supplies and paperwork (we look like a hospital supply room) and the nurse was here for quite a while, teaching and going over cleaning and keep the port clean. she will be over once a week to draw labs and change molly's dressing. we liked her immediately.
[we are so going to get through this.]
we prepared for the onslaught of teenagers...went and got Molly a dress and me a watch w/a second hand (which was needed for medical purposes), made a huge hotel pan of ziti and another of caesar salad...ordered 8 pizzas, had mega sodas and water, big birthday cake with her sweet picture on it from when she was about 4, wearing a ballerina outfit she used to don every day (pictured here). we thought maybe 25 or so kids would show...there were about 50 here when we sang happy birthday :) it was so special, she really looked beautiful and happy.
[really hard to believe just last thursday we were entering into crisis mode.]
it's good to be home.
for good measure
i found this on molly's facebook (with another friend who i cropped out for privacy reasons...) i think she is gorgeous.
gratuitous Molly shot for those who are not aware of her beauty. i am still learning that so, so very much of her beauty lies beneath the surface...
breathing lessons
i have belonged here for every minute i have been here, by molly's side. helping her to the ladies' room, making jokes, dabbing her tears, wiping my own away with my sleeve as i look out the window. there are times i have needed to remind myself to breathe...do that next thing in front of me.
i have experienced moments of absolute panic rising inside of me: rising like the blue raspberry slushy i poured for my daughter in the recovery room last night - a carbonated sugar water mixture pouring from a spout which you have to stop before the cups fill half way up because it continues to rise to overflowing. if you don't stop it in time, it spills over the edges and a mess needs to be cleaned up, sticky and uncomfortable.
[like my panic attacks.]
today was a day filled with even breathing - 16 breaths a minute. nothing jolting or jarring, nothing extraordinary to make my blood pressure rise like mount etna. nothing alarming, just sailing through. i had very little sleep last night and awoke at 6am, but forced myself to lay back down for a couple of hours, like a good "second wind" of sleep. i needed it.
i have held my breath, taken deeper breaths and told my daughter to do the same when her respirations dropped very low due to her narcotic pain medication...she has been on oxygen and i have felt as though i have needed it...last night, i was unable to catch my breath because my body was racked in sobs and two hours later, breathed a huge sigh of relief when the nurse in recovery put a blanket from the warmer around my weary shoulders.
i have also learned that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my God whispers instructions to me on how to inhale when i feel i am simply unable to.
[it has been a week of breathing lessons.]
love's divine
Then the rainstorm came, over me
and I felt my spirit break...
what started out as a potentially tearful day for both of us, changed on a dime come 2pm. my in-law's, molly's favorite people in the world, came for a visit. they were followed by the AAentourage, who came bearing gifts of food and laptops and books and snacks and affirmations and love and a meeting for mama.
we set molly up and the five of us went to the lounge they have here for families and sat on the four comfy couches and my friends hugged me and shared with me and made me feel loved and listened to and mostly, heard. a really cool group of travelers, not one complaint, they are amazing, amazing friends and my ports in the storm.
i was sought out by my "roommate" who said molly had two visitors (?) we parted, sadly, and i came back to the room to find one of ben's high school friends, bearing gifts of homemade chocolate cupcakes with hot pink buttercream frosting. (oh, you have no idea.) a little back story: last week, i was in touch with this young woman to see if she could help me with molly's birthday cake, but the logistics and timing was off because she lives in wilmingon, delaware (funny entity, our God). she found out through facebook that molly was here and asked if cupcakes would help. i had NO expectations of her making cupcakes and delivering them.
blown.
away.
i wish i could have taken a picture of them, but will simply link you to Lindsey's blog and you can see why we were so thrilled :)
Love is what I need to help me know my name.
to top off our already very full day, i found a DVD player on the floor which the nurses proclaimed as "miraculous" and we watched Twilight and Clueless and Sweet Home Alabama and ate tuna and crackers, sourpatch watermelon candy and popcorn and cupcakes and felt enormously filled to overflowing, and it had nothing to do with the food.
molly asked me, very genuinely, "why are people so nice?" [love.]
after an incredible exchange of text messages between me and a friend, around 0 dark 30 i checked my email and yet another friend of mine (who has an amazing voice sang at a local bookstore recently) had sent me a video clip of himself singing Seal's "Love's Divine." his email simply stated "dedicated to Molly."
'Cause love is what I need to help my know my name...
unclouded thoughts
while molly is sleeping peacefully, i sit and gaze out the window at what i think is an elm tree and a nearby clock tower rising up as the centerpiece of the duPont hospital grounds.
the skies are blue with fat clouds of puffy white with tinged grey undersides, floating by with seemingly no purpose. as grey as our days have been of late, it is quite refreshing to not see a completely overcast sky with no hint of the sun or even a speck of blue.
i also see the helicopter landing pad, not 30 yards away. the first night we were here, there was a helicopter landing right outside of our window - the ER is right underneath molly's floor - with what may have been a trauma. however, most traumas are announced over the PA system and this one was not. i am assuming it was a fancy way of transporting a patient.
i was just sitting here, looking out the window when a mom was carrying a 3 or 4 year old up the sidewalk. i am assuming she was three or four - old enough to wrap her arms and legs around mama's neck and waist. and mama was scurrying up the sidewalk, either because she was in a hurry, or the weight of the child was such that the "carry me?" would have only lasted a minute or two longer due to the strain her baby was putting on her back.
for a brief moment, it reminded me of how molly at 4 years old -- quick, nimble little malinky that she was -- would say "up, please?" and i would happily oblige, scooping her up in one fell swoop and her legs would intuitively encircle my waist and she would simultaneously hug me as tightly as her little arms could squeeze...and we would be as close as a mama and her baby could be after having been weaned...
hot tears sprang to my eyes (as they do again as i put pen to paper) at the sight of this mama and at the memory of my little molly. trying to regain my composure as the memory flooded me took a bit of time. i wonder why God brought it to me in such a rush of emotions. perhaps i just needed to be reminded of things....
[when things were so uncomplicated and simple.]
~~~
footnote:
i feel as though i should have ended this on uplifting note. it is simply me journaling my thoughts, even the bittersweet. i need to be in it, feel it, recall it and release it. thanks.
Day 2 Post-Op/Day 1 Pre-Op
the first part of our morning was spent in tears. it is quite difficult to explain how the infection could have been so much more serious without totally "freaking her out," but she's 15-going-on-16, only sees it as her world being disrupted.
(and it has been, greatly.)
some of my AA friends are taking a roadtrip to bring me a meeting today and to bring miss moll a laptop and movies from home...a wealth of friends i have now, that i never knew i needed (or even wanted). i spent so many years isolated, save for interracting with people from our restaurant and family, that i failed to cultivate many friendships. i had one good friend, actually, and many acquaintences. it is really quite incredible because when i first started going to AA, molly said "mommy, you'll make new friends!" and i remember saying "that is SO NOT why i am going!!" but it has been a lovely by-product. i can count on these men and women when the chips are down and while i have absolutely zero thought of picking up a drink, i know i need to "stay in the game" or i will stop caring about my sobriety altogether.
(thank God that today, i am sober.)
thank you, my dears, for the lovely comments. if i had more time, you know i would address you all individually. however, i become a bit anxious when i spend more than 1/2 hour away from molly, so i must bid you adieu until this evening. your prayers (and YOUR FRIENDSHIPS) are coveted.
God continues to provide moments of gentleness & laughter, even amidst the anxiety and pain ♥
day 1 post-op, afternoon
the woman in the room with me is a saint of God. anything i have needed or questioned the whereabouts of, she has provided me with - even laundry detergent.
so i am sitting here, doing a small load of wash. home away from home.
the doctor came in and discussed the surgery with molly for the first time. she listened...her eyes got wide at some of what he was saying about the severity of the infection...and then the news of the picc line came. that did not go over well at all. six weeks to a teenager about to embark on summer is a long, long time.
she said "summer school was six weeks....this is as long as summer school!"
she cried, and cried, and cursed and cried some more. there was no scolding for the language, no cajoling, only crying alongside her, handing her tissues and both of us blowing our noses simultaneously. i told her she had every right to feel put out, that i wanted her to feel her feelings and we would discuss things logically once the emotions were more at bay.
about two hours later, they started calming down. i told her about kelly's idea of having maybe a pizza party at our house on thursday (yay for my daughter-in-law!) and the fancy dinner a few weeks from now when she is up to it and can really enjoy it. it seemed to brighten her, if only a tiny bit.
we then talked about the iv line being in and really not being anything more than a nuisance, about how the fusion didn't "take" on the lower part of her spine, and how dr. shah wanted to treat the infection aggressively so we wouldn't end up back here in 8 weeks for another surgery. after that bit of info, she seemed to lighten up about the iv.
God is so good, my friends. i am not positive why this is happening, am simply trying to stay in my day, not get in my head, and keep believing and trusting that this will all turn out in the end.
(did i mention there is a bunch of my AA buds taking a roadtrip to bring penni a meeting tomorrow? how awesome is that??)
sacred life
my daughter's "roommate" is a young girl who we thought to be about 2 years old that has a tracheotomy and is currently on a ventilator, unable to move or speak or do anything but lay and have her mom and the medical staff care for her. i have since found out she is actually 9 years old and has been cared for in this matter since she was a year old.
the mother told me her daughter in non-communicative, save for eye movements. she cannot move her tiny limbs, cannot vocalize, cannot move even her head. her mother says she simply communicates through her eyes. she further stated she had been in the hospital since early May with pneumonia and two weeks ago, went into cardiac arrest. she told me her physicians, on a daily basis, speak to her about implementing a DNR ("Do Not Resusitate") order, discussing with her quality of life vs. quantity. and every discussion is ended by mom saying, "when the time comes, you won't be able to save her. as long as she keeps fighting, so will i. no DNR."
i have to say i admire her tenacity as a mother. even though her daughter lives in a home away from the mother because of the amount of care she requires, she hasn't worked in over a month and has lived at the hospital since early may and assured me she would be "no where else."
this conversation led me to think about schools of thought, and while i may not be able to monitor any comments due to not being available more than twice a day, i proffer this for discussion:
1. life is sacred from birth to natural death. this woman is honoring that commitment to keeping her daughter alive at any cost;
2. is this really birth to "natural death" if she is being kept alive through extraordinary measures? she is a fragile little thing, having had a hart attack and several bouts of pneumonia, has brittle bone disease and has suffered potentially a broken foot at the hands of a very gentle physical therapist yesterday. medical intervention is NECESSARY for her to stay alive.
3. quality of life - is an issue. for all intents and purposes, she's confined to a bed, has no control whatever over her body, is fed through a tube, currently has a machine breathing for her. does our opinion on the quality of this young girl's life matter? does the medical society have the right to place that determination on anyone? or is the parent the sole voice for this voiceless child?
this mom amazes me - she talks with her, loves on her, comforts her, teases and is playful with her. she surrounds her with fluffy blankets and sweet stuffed animals, and while she admitted her daughter can't run and skip and play and laugh, that is not to say she doesnt communicate her love for her mother through her eyes, and that, to her, is worthy of a DNR.
molly's surgery
molly's surgery went as well as could be expected. what wasn't expected, however, was the fact that the infection went into her spine and the lower part of her fusion didn't "take". she will be on iv antibiotics for six weeks and then maybe additionally after that by mouth. he said after 6 weeks, he would evaluate her to see if she needed any "hardware exchanged." my stomach flips at the thought of it.
so her fusion didn't take, she has a raging infection, we will be here until at least wednesday, please say a prayer we are home in time for her sweet 16 birthday dinner, which is slated for thursday (on her 16th birthday). i haven't told her anything beyond the fact that she will need another surgery to remove the "sponge" in place in her back to help the infection drain. the antibiotics via a PICC line (iv) x 6 weeks at the start of summer??? omg, please pray for her.
please pray that this infection is going to be cleared up and her hardware she presently has can stay in, that no exchange will be necessary.
i am grateful to have so many praying friends. i had about 5 different melt-downs yesterday (out of earshot of molly) and today, after i finish my cup of flavored water they call coffee and take a blistering hot shower, i think it will be a better day. she had a good night - out of bed three times, admonished not to look at her back, has a little flippant attitude (hello, morphine?) and is resting comfortably.
please, if i may be so bold to request this - please continue to pray for my girl. she has a hard row to hoe ahead of her, and will be filled with moments of self-doubt and depression, but God will lift her up. as with Moses in Exodus, i need my friends to help support my hands in prayer.
unexpected
these are thoughts i have journaled over the past few days. computer access is limited, but i try to check in twice daily.
+~+~+
i find myself in duPont hospital for children awaiting the surgeon's call to bring Molly to the operating room. Some 7 1/2 months ago, she had her spinal surgery and part of her incision continued to "weep" until the skin was healed over. in fact, we made an additional "early" trip to delaware to have the doctor take a look and we were assured all was well.
apparently not.
seemingly, over the past fee months, something's been brewing beneath the surface; tests have revealed a fluid filled picket that needs a gigantic needle and a steading hand to drain. however, instead of aspirating (as per the norm), because of her spinal fusion and the pocket's proximity to her spine/hardware, it is not to be trifled with. so today, after he surgeon is finished with a case, she will be wheeled back to the operating room for something as simple as a "clean up" or as complicated as i don't know what - eventually *exchanging* rods and screws? i shudder to think.
throughout all of this, i must say i have prayed more than i ever have before, tearfully beseeching the Creator of the Universe to place His blessing upon the hands of the surgeon and Molly's caregivers...not asking "why," but asking for His presence throughout this whole ordeal...waivering right over from being righteous to being a little bit pissed, and asking "why now? why Molly? why at this time??" then i retract, apologize, and realize He is God - omnipotent and omniscient - and is all Good; all things work together for good, i believe that.
i am hoping trusting this to be so.
Do What Is Given
When you start some new work,
you give in completely to it.
You're excited,
because the Creator keeps you
from seeing what's missing.
Your heatedness hides that,
so you do the work, and then look back
and see the nature of it.
If you'd seen that at first,
you wouldn't have done anything!
Don't worry about repenting.
Do the work that's given,
and learn from it.
If you become addicted to looking back,
half your life will be spent in distraction,
and the other half in regret.
You can live better than that!
Find happier friends.
Say: Show me the faults
of my destructive actions, but don't show me
what's wrong with my good work.
That way I won't get disgusted and quit!
Solomon had a habit of visiting the mosque at dawn,
because then he could see
with an early morning eye
the new spirit-plants that were growing.
Encourage that freshness
in yourself, and not what clouds you
with dullness and futility.
Rumi
(via inward/outward)
teenagers
i don't know where to go with this because it isn't an AA-related type of matter. it is a matter of my heart and my daughter and i know she doesn't read my blog, nor care to know what i think on most days, but things being what they are at home right now, i have nowhere to go with this.
let me start by saying i recognize she has been through a very difficult time. i actually tried to take her to see my therapist shortly after surgery because she seemed so depressed about things, and her life, but it did not work out that she wanted to see her (my therapist) for a second visit.
i think i need to find someone else.
she is angry. really, really angry. about a lot of things that are important and some that are not. she flipped out last night because of a lack of communication, which lack i retaliated with my own version of flipping out (i am truly sorry today, however) and her anger and venom is being directed at max. not undeservedly so, but he needs to apologize for something he failed to do last night and has not thus far. he wants to qualify or rationalize what happened and all he need do is simply say "molly, i am sorry i hurt you."
i was told earlier "i don't hate you as much as i hate max." wow. that's a relief.
she just got her hair cut. of course, i think it is gorgeous and she thinks she "is so ugly -- it's soooo shorrrrt!!" and she didn't want to leave the house. this is usually after every time she gets her hair cut. she had friends waiting for her at home to go get something to eat and she had to straighten her hair before they left bc she looked "so ugly," and when she was leaving, my husband suggested she put on a hoodie or some jacket because it is cold outside, and it was met with "i don't have a coat. or a hoodie, or a zippie...i have nothing" and slammed the door on her way out.
[i know i have people who are reading this who are thinking i should be disciplining her or taking myself back to the therapist, so if you are going to judge me or this situation, you need not comment. use the "if you haven't got anything nice to say" adage as your guide.]
however, if you've had disruptive teenagers and have, yourself, felt like giving up and crying all day (like i have/have been), then please give me a little advice in the comments box.
[another parenthetical: we won't discuss the parties she's gone to this week that had alcohol and i have felt at a loss over what to do...or the fact she has been sick with strep and i let her leave the house, just moments ago, with no sweatshirt to take with her.]
i cannot recall feeling more at a loss over a situation than i do right now. i don't know what to do for her or for myself or my family. it is stressful, tense, and all i can do is sit here and cry and hope the words i am tapping out are making sense. i realize i am powerless over certain situations but also recognize that i should be in control over certain others. still, at a loss.]
she just texted an apology for being so "salty." i told her i didn't know what to do for her; she said "neither do i."
detach
so i have this friend...who i had gotten into an email argument with last week and i apologized and wanted it to be over and now, basically want to be left alone. i have been receiving daily emails that lay out how he doesn't want me to be upset or miffed or angry or whatever with him......i have been ignoring them for the most part, but yesterday, had that pang of compassion to respond to him.
i was honest and told him that he hurt me, that my feelings were hurt. i went into a couple of examples of what he said and told him i didn't want to engage in another *email* thing but wanted to respond to him, let him know where i was and that i didn't want to open myself to any more pain; i am done being wounded.
(it was a pretty brutal battle, even for me.)
so what do i get in response?
"no feelings were meant to be hurt, that's on you." oh. okay. my inner pissed off irish temper wants to flare itself with a wicked response, but i don't want to go there. when is it time to say "when" when it comes to getting in the "last word?" i also realize if there is something bothering me about someone else, the something that is bothering me is within me. that is such a hard concept to grapple with, when you want to be "right" or you want to be "justified."
(i won't think about the last line he threw me about friends "looking at the 'deep' you and wanting to help." was that referring to when he called me selfish? or childish? or was he being sarcastic? i am wondering...and is *his* kind of help the kind i need or want?)
i don't want to be anything. i want to stop wondering. i desire emotional sobriety and want nothing more than to close this chapter in my life. i have a new sponsee who is going to need my attention way more than i need to justify my feelings in continuing this crap. i know if i were to reply to this latest "missive," i would be right back in it. i think i finally have enough regard for myself to do just that.
i am, just now, asking myself "is this life-giving or life-affirming behavior?" if i have answered no, then i don't engage.
it is not. disengage, girl.
disengage.
exhaustion - emily maxell
~~~
I have really been under the weather. Nothing terribly serious or life-threatening, thank God, but nonetheless, not myself in the least.
I have Epstein Barr Virus or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Yuppie Flu (take your pick, eh?) What it does is it zaps my energy levels where I only have the ability to do what is absolutely necessary (i.e., go to work) and leave the rest (i.e., housework). The laundry is never done anyway.
Where am I spiritually? I am on pretty good footing. I am not struggling when it comes to making the right choices for myself, I am relying on God more and more and have been able to say no to things that would be less than helpful to me and my family. I also have been listening to some really amazing podcasts from some preachers whose messages I respect and that has been very affirming.
So just a quick check-in. I miss my blog buds and am hopeful all is well with your souls. It is well with mine :)"The escape hatches people create in attempts to avoid or numb pain can actually be worse than the experience of pain they sought to avoid."
Sue Monk Kidd
parched.
i have been reading (and exchanging emails) with friends who have really been going through the desert this Lenten season, unlike any time prior in their lives. i wonder if God considers these folks as saints of His as He oftentimes tests the ones He loves most to see how they will fare in their time of trial.
and when they come through as the valiant ones they truly are, does He step it up a notch for the next round? i thought that was what He did with me for many, many years. then i started going to a 12-step recovery group and learned how to handle those situations which used to baffle me. i don't perform perfectly, but am also reminded that it's "progress, not perfection." what i have learned these past 15 months has been exceedingly beneficial to me in my everyday life. [how incredible.]
i have two "treasures" i am working the steps with. one just completed her steps 5-6-7 on saturday, one is balking on completing same, but is starting to come around since she is recognizing the benefits of being able to look things squarely and meet them head-on. it is an honor to work the steps with these women, and our relationships are unlike any i have had before. it is an awesome thing to behold.
i am also learning more each day about how i stand up to my personal tests...how i may be able to dole out such wonderful suggestions to my sponsees, but am unable to apply the same logic to my own personal situations. typical, eh? do as i say, not as i do. i am recognizing how i am able to maintain the appearance of sobriety in all areas of my life, but am not actually living soberly in certain ones. i believe in my religion, it would be called "cafeteria Catholicism - take what you like from the Gospels, ignore the rest" ala cafeteria line style.
however, it is becoming overwhelming evident to me that i don't wish to remain emotionally inebriated any longer, that my relapsing into emotional intoxication is not conducive to staying sober in real life...that looking for a "hit" off of some (one? thing?) else is just the same for me as emptying a bottle of merlot - alone - and seeking further intoxication in a chat room.
there has to be a time in my life that in all areas, i know when to say *when*. i am prayful that time is truly now.
as i continue my trudge through the desert, i pray for others around me and pray for myself that i may be able to do God's will and perhaps help someone along the way...and that when i become parched, i seek the One who refreshes, and not someone or some situation that will further drain me.
i can't - God can - i'll let Him.
ash wednesday - entering into the desert
if you've been a friend of m2 for a bit, you know i am one of "those Catholics" who love the season of Lent. there is no Easter without Lent, so that could be why. however, i think it is a deep, meaningful, reflective time and a good one to enter into when one wishes to excoriate even *more* bad things from their world in order to make this a better place to be. [let my time of excoriation begin.]
do you "give up" things during Lent? what are your sacrifices? each year, i give a great deal of thought for what i want to do these 40 days. this year, along with the unnamed 'excoriation' -- i am deciding this as i type it out -- i wish to encounter Christ. i want to decidedly see Christ in everyone i come in contact with.
and if i cannot see Him in them, it is my prayer they see Him in me.
so my behavior must be aligned thusly. my thoughts, my words, my deeds, aligned. [may have a bit of trouble along the *thoughts* line, but with God's help, i will deal]
who knows? if i can do this for 40 days with concentrated effort, who is to say this mad behavior won't continue an additional length of time thereafter? and hopefully, it won't take as much concentration as anything done repeatedly for three weeks usually becomes a habit.
so i am tackling head-on a lurking addiction (one that cannot be mentioned in polite company) and aspiring to a new outlook upon life.
[pray for me and i'll pray for you - enter into the desert.]
a little help from my friends
I haven’t been feeling well for a while and checked in with my new endocrinologist (as fate would have it) last week. He ordered me a boatload of tests – labwork worthy of juice and a donut upon finishing, an ultrasound of my thyroid is slated for next Monday night, and I have a follow-up appointment with him in two weeks. He said “you feel crappy and there is good reason for it, we will get to the bottom of it.”
I never simply feel “well.” I haven’t felt well for a couple of years, and I am also guessing that could be part of my general malaise issues, seemingly every weekend. It is almost as if I give my body permission to break down on Saturday, so long as she’s “up and running” on Monday morning.
I had my lab work done Monday so I missed my a.m. meeting. I went on Tuesday, but wasn’t feeling great and when I sat down in my chair after grabbing a cup of tea, I started having back spasms between my shoulder blades – spasms so fierce, they took my breath away and refused to give it back. I sat forward in my chair – that didn’t help. I twisted side to side, to no avail. I leaned back and one of my buds, H, said “you know, you don’t have to go to work every day…” I took that as my cue to leave so I grabbed my knitting bag (barely) and started for the door. My mind (and heart) was racing. I think I was starting to panic.
Cue B, one of the guys in my home group. “Pen, you don’t look good, what’s wrong?” I said “nothing, I’m fine, I’m just going to the ER and will call my husband from the car and he’ll meet me there.” He insisted on walking me out, carrying my bag (which I fought, of course) and wanted to drive me to the emergency room. I am a stubborn girl and said, “No, thank you, I’m fine, I just can’t breathe.” (I thought I always had issues asking for help, never thought I would have issues simply “accepting” help!)
I got myself to the ER and sat down after giving them my name and my plight. Out of my peripheral vision, I had a flash of “B” coming up the sidewalk. He walked in and sat down next to me, and we just started talking as if I were expecting him. He kept the conversation going until the triage nurse called my name. I rose, squeezed his hand and whispered “thank you” and left to go into the little side room. Unbeknownst to me, he waited for my husband to arrive before he left, just to make sure someone was there for me.
[It turns out I have a little pneumonia in my right lung, but the pain in my back was definitely stemming from a pulled muscle. I left with an anti-inflammatory (non-narcotic, non-mind or mood-altering, sadly) and was told to go home and rest.]
I was thinking about the events of the morning. How B was the only one I “heard” share (because of my pain) and recalled that he was sad because the previous day, he had attended the funeral of a close friend and had the thought of a drink because everyone else was drinking at the tavern after the services the night before…how he was disappointed he couldn’t join in with everyone else and it haunted him thru the night and to the next day.
I know I came into the rooms of AA because I had stopped drinking and was having a difficult time staying stopped. I didn’t come because I wanted to make friends, I came because I wanted to stop drinking. It is beyond my wildest dreams the friendships I have formed as a result of my admission of being an alcoholic. It is incredible to me the wonderful folks I have met because I am in a fellowship of men and women who don’t want to drink, just like me, one day at a time. That there are people who are willing to enter into my world, neurotic and chaotic and painful, yet joyful and joy-filled at times too. People actually care about me as much as I do about them.
I also couldn’t help but think about how grateful I was to know someone like B, who was struggling only the night before but he left his issues behind to make sure I had help getting to my car, coming to the ER, and staying until my husband came. Someone who performed such a selfless act, without anything more than a “thank you.” For someone wondering why he stayed sober the night before, I don’t think it is a stretch to think God kept him sober so he could help another alcoholic who needed him.
(Even if it that alcoholic was me.)
h a p p y v a l e n t i n e ' s d a y
Love Story
Rumi
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
about the bible...
Do I believe the Bible? I’m trying to know the Bible. And by knowing, I mean the way that Adam knew Eve, and the way that the Creator knows us. I mean the kind of knowing that is like falling in love. I’m trying to love/know the Bible. And I will always struggle with how I can love/know the scriptures when some parts are so hard and mean and awful that you feel bad for even reading them. And then some parts are so beautiful that you can’t stop crying when they whisper little hints of truth and mystery to you.
via reallivepreacher
linky love in the title :)
my son max has a blog!!
oh, i am beyond proud :) please go check him out, the link is to something he just wrote while awaiting his father's finishing up din-din.
so.
proud.
:)
i am his first follower!! go, give him props, tell him why he will love blogging and that he should continue even if he gets trolls or people trying to keep the man down.
(did i mention how proud i was of him?)
***edited to add: not "family friendly." he is a tad fresh, but it's his space, so i must let him express himself the way he wishes. i did remind him, however, that a good writer can get their point across with less vulgarity, but i am his mama and can do that :)
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